I always love hearing from you and do my very best to respond to the many questions I receive. Sometimes, I feel that your questions and my answers will also benefit others. This is one of them.

Today’s question was submitted by Allison B. in the U.K. It pertains to the loss of her son, but my response applies to anyone who has had a loved one pass away and yearns for connection. ❤️

Dear Nikki:

It has been seven years since my beautiful son Ben passed away. Is it normal to constantly feel guilt and shame over the loss of my son and sometimes find it hard to go forward?

Dear Allison:

I’m so sorry about your Ben. 

You mentioned in your email that you’ve had dreams of him together with other ancestors and that recently you even felt his presence—or you felt “a presence” give you a full body hug when you were having an extremely low moment. I love hearing this and so appreciate you telling me your story because it also helps me and others in this community validate our own experiences.

I can remember a couple of times when I was sinking in grief and felt an invisible energy approach. The bed or chair where I was sitting would suddenly compress as if someone had sat next to me. I couldn’t see the energy, but I sure could feel it—and I was surprised and comforted all at once. 

With that said, I want to share a story with you today that may help you overcome some of the guilt and shame you are experiencing and move forward at the same time. 

I felt a lot of guilt and shame too after my son departed. Every day was beyond hard—as you well know. But I started preparing for the even harder days of the year (like holidays) by booking appointments with alternative healers who piqued my curiosity and offered some hope. This was my kind of therapy.

On one of these harder days, I had a session booked with a psychic medium who came highly recommended by a dear friend. I had already experienced a couple of incredible readings with other reputable mediums by this point in my healing journey, but I was still testing my belief system and wanted to have a psychic medium experience with someone new.  

I’m so glad I did because approximately fifteen minutes into this reading, the medium said something that completely shifted the way I viewed my circumstances and how I approached life moving forward.  

Before I tell you what that was, let me preface it by saying that the reading started out with deeply personal information about my son that I don’t believe could have been researched prior to our session. The level of detail the medium described regarding our relationship made me feel as if I was actually talking to my son that day. In fact, when I re-read my notes from the session to write this response to you, I was floored all over again.

Anyway, at one point in the reading the medium’s tone changed and he got very serious with me. 

“Your son keeps putting his hands on your stomach,” he said. “He wants me to tell you not to let this eat you up. When you get sad or angry he feels you. You still have a very strong connection as mother and son in this lifetime.’” 

He apologized for delivering this message in such a stern tone but said that the directive was coming from my son. A little later on in the reading, he stopped mid-sentence and repeated himself.

“I’m sorry to bring this up again. But your son is very serious about this and wants me to explain it again. ‘Do not let the anger eat you up inside. He feels you.’” 

That’s when I realized, if I can feel my son, then it’s possible he can feel me too. 

Suddenly, every cell in my body lit up and started moving in a new direction. From that day forward I would do whatever I could to help my son’s spirit soar in his world, even if that meant helping mine soar in this one too.

Of course, we mothers fill up with shame and guilt just thinking about enjoying life without our children physically here with us. But I have come to believe that one of the most loving things we can do—for them, for ourselves, and for our entire family line—is find ways to truly live again. 

I once heard renowned medium Laura Lynn Jackson lovingly say to a group of bereaved parents, “Do you think your children in spirit want to sit around and cry with you all day. Or would they rather have fun with you; travel the world and play with you; and keep growing and learning with you?”

The possibility that my relationship with my son might continue between worlds has shaped who I am and how I navigate every day.  

It hasn’t been easy, but here’s the thing, after that reading with the medium, I didn’t suddenly aim for emotions like happiness and joy. Both were far too out of reach and not in my realm of possibilities at that time. In fact, the word “joy” deeply irritated me until only recently. 

I was just searching for some peace.

Little did I know that peace is the highest level of human consciousness we can experience on the way toward enlightenment—even higher than joy! 

Little did I also know that shame and guilt are the absolute lowest level frequencies that a human being can experience—which is why they can feel like death.

Here’s a visual The Map of Consciousness as created by author, scientist, and teacher David R. Hawkins and further described in his international bestseller, Power vs. Force:

The bottom line is that there is no “normal” way to heal after the loss of a child. There is no standard time frame to shoot for, or one approach that fits all. I have met parents who lost a child multiple decades ago and are still paralyzed with grief. And I have met others who have found incredible meaning and purpose after a year or two. Everyone’s circumstances are unique, and so is our ability to move through them. 

But I do believe there comes a time when we must make a choice as to the kind of life we want, because for better or worse, we are still here and meant to contribute to this world in some meaningful way.

If you are not sure what choice to make, consider the following statement and see if it resonates with you: 

No matter where our boys are or why they left this physical world, we are still their mothers in this lifetime. Which means, our job is not done. 

We can choose to wake up every day to be the best moms we can be for our boys in their world, and the best mothers/wives/friends to our family members and friends still in this world.  And I’m hopeful that by doing so we’ll somehow become the best versions of ourselves too.      

So think about it, Allison…

If you can feel Ben, he can feel you.

What do you want him to feel?

Consider reading Power vs. Force to better understand Dr. Hawkin’s explanation of consciousness and the impact ours has on others.

What I can tell you is that I have found a lot of love, and I dare say even “joy” on my journey toward peace. While I still have hard days and slide up and down Dr. Hawkin’s scale, I have reasons far bigger than me to keep pressing forward. 

And so do you. Given how connected you still are to your beautiful Ben, I get the sense that he would like you to keep pressing forward too. ✨